When the Other Shoe Drops

I've been accused of being paranoid - but sometimes when you're paranoid, it turns out you're right. What do you do when the worst possible thing (that you've built up in your imagination) actually comes to pass?

Admittedly, my worst fears are all around disappointing other people or having harm come to people I love. I don't worry so much about what could happen to me, personally. So when I had a shockabuku (see: Gross Pointe Blank) a couple of weeks ago, I had to pick up the pieces - and fast.

Now, most "self-care" types recommend a period of mourning, regrouping - say a week - after a major failure and/or loss. I find that too much laying in bed, with the covers up to my neck, watching Netflix just makes me obsess on everywhere I've gone wrong and everything I've done wrong in my life (plus I'm not focusing on Kimmy Schmidt as much as I should). Admittedly, I did read one self-help book, and it was a damn good one (thanks, Jenn, for loaning it out). But I don't need to contemplate, I need to work - to settle my monkey mind. 

So I got to work.

I made lists on lists on lists:

  • Personal (teach O how to ride a bike, KonMari this closet, set up legit home office)
  • Short-term professional (pretty much - get paid)
  • Long-term professional (unabashedly capitalize on my 22 years of studio workflow direction for my own benefit)

I scrum'ed, and Asana'ed and Google Kept the hell out of my myriad tasks, prioritizing and checking things off one by one - and that got me calm, settled, and motivated. 

I'm not a failure. I'm not my 9-5 (or rather 7-10) job. Perfectionism has forever been my shield - I tried to be perfect to mask my fear of failing, the fear of being blamed, and the fear of disappointing other people, and I still managed to do all three. So, I'm letting myself be a little messy. Organized, but messy. A little more honest. A little less ashamed. Boundless but with boundaries.

I picked up that other shoe - and put both shoes into their proper place in my perfectly organized closet - because I don't have to wear shoes when I freelance from home, damnit.

I'm good enough right this second, and everyone else is just going to have to deal with it. 

#messed