Recently I read "And God Created Millennial Earth" via McSweeney's, one of my favorite sites for satirical writing, despite the fact I am clearly no longer in the target demographic (at over-the-hill 42). This article was different in its ridiculousness, however, because it didn't come off as satire - this is how they talk now. I recommend reading the source material (McSweeney's, duh - not the actual Bible) first...
As #olds, none of my friends nor I could relate. So, I decided to make a Gen X version of the Creation story - for those of us born before 1980. Enjoy.
Genesis (The Invisible Touch)
1 - In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth...because the Holy Ghost was out golfing and taking away our healthcare with the other Senior VPs, and the Son was Instagramming thigh gaps at the Fyre Festival and well, someone has to get this shit done.
2 - Now the earth was without form and void like an awesome Peter Murphy song that you listen to in your room with all the lights off, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God cranked like a badass upon the surface of the waters like Bodhi in Point Break (the original one, not the bullshit reboot) - we're talking 100% pure adrenaline.
3 - And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. And in this bright light, He could tell that He had yet another motherfucking chin hair and where the hell do these things come from anyway and how do they grow from nothing to one inch in length seemingly overnight?
4 - And God checked out the light, and figured that it wasn't really going to get any better than this, so what's the point: and God divided the light from the darkness because there are rules, dammit and besides, the New Kids people and the Pixies people really shouldn't mix.
5 - And God called the light Day, and the darkness He called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day.. 24 hours, party people.
6 - And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters because no one else is going to do this shit right. I'm on a deadline and I don't have time to hold your hand, Medamnit.
7 - And God made the firmament and separated the waters which were under the firmament from the waters above it - kinda like how a McDLT separated the cold from the hot right up until you ate it: and it was so.
8 - And God called the firmament Heaven because it was just like His favorite Cure song. And there was evening and there was morning and there was New Coke, a second day. Word.
9 - And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the land appear: and it was so. And nobody really noticed. It's not like He's going to get a promotion for this crap anyway.
10- And God called the land Earth; and the waters He called Seas: and God saw that there were now many places for Carmen Sandiego to go and it was sweet as hell.
11 + 12 - And God said: 'Let the earth bring forth grass, herb (hehe, just like on Cheech and Chong) yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit... and let Whole Foods charge like $8 per organic pear because they're turned into a bunch of fucking corporate shills. And God saw that it was awesome and - oh shit - He's late to pick up the kids and daycare charges $1/minute after 6pm. Fuck.
13 - And there was evening and there was morning, a third day. So He wrote about it in His gratitude journal because that damn Gretchen Rubin book said it would ease his anxiety if He wrote three things in it every night before bed. So far it hasn't worked, but whatever...
14 + 15 - And God said: ‘Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them mark seasons, days and years' but He's still not going to buy one of those Apple watches because they're dumb as hell and He'd look like kind of a poser douchebag.
16 - And God made the two great lights: the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; and the stars. But the lesser light was all butthurt about being called out for being "lesser," so He gave it a trophy and an extra PTO day so it would get the hell out of his cubicle.
17 + 18 - And God set the lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth, and to rule over the day and over the night. And it was killer. Except for during daylight savings when the kids think they can go to bed at fucking 10pm just because the sun is still out. Then it sucks.
19- And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day. So He let himself into the house alone and made Hot Pockets in the microwave because he can take care of himself, damnit. He doesn't need anybody. Everyone is a lie.
20 - And God said: ‘Let the waters swarm with swarms of living creatures, and let fowl fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.’ Because eating too much red meat will fuck with your cholesterol (He read it in the Times) and really, who wants to be on another prescription at this point? Not Him. Not at these prices.
21 - And God created the great sea-monsters, and every living creature that creepeth, wherewith the waters swarmed, after its kind, and every winged fowl after its kind. Like literally everything - He made everything Himself because no one ever pitches in, they're too busy playing foosball or loitering around the damn beer cart. And God saw that it was good, and made a note in his self-evaluation that his boss will totally ignore come review time.
22 - And God blessed them, saying: ‘Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth. But don't multiply too much because you'll never be able to afford to support that many offspring with a gutted 401K, lingering student loans and stagnant wages. Thanks, Obama. Just saying."
23- And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day. So He tried meditating before bed, because someone told Him it was good for fostering creativity, but He said "fuck it" and decided to take an Ambien instead because five minutes of sitting still just wasn't cutting it.
24 + 25 - And God said: ‘Let the earth bring forth the living creature after its kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after its kind.’ And it was so. He even posted about it on Facebook, because IG and Snapchat are for kids - and got 37 likes! But He used a picture of the cattle because selfies call attention to His matronly upper arms.
26 - And God said: ‘Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them be in charge of everything on earth' even though people can't be trusted and they'll just break your damn heart and ruin everything. Morrissey was totally right.
27- And God created man in His own image, in the image of God created him; male and female He created them. And then he was all "Are you there God? It's me, God?" and promptly laughed His ass off because He cracks Himself up and no one gets His sense of humor these days.
28 - And God blessed them; and God said unto them: ‘Be fruitful, and multiply, but wear a condom and a dental dam because AIDS is no fucking joke and JUST SAY NO to drugs and don't be a fool stay in school. I'm out.'
29 - And God said: ‘Behold, I have given you every herb yielding seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed—to you it shall be for food; so please learn how to cook for yourself because Blue Apron is pricey bullshit and you're Meddamn adults - read a recipe." And it was bomb ass.
30 - And so He has given unto us the internet as you know it, smartphones, video games, hip-hop, the best comedians, John Hughes movies, and indie EVERYTHING - not that you'd ever thank Him for it. But yeah sure, call Him a fucking slacker. Nobody gave Him a ribbon just for showing up. Whatever, assholes. And it was so.
31 - And God saw every thing that He had made, and, behold, it was pretty fucking awesome. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day. So naturally the Holy Ghost and the Son took credit for everything - because no one believes in paying their dues anymore. Sigh.
On the seventh day, He slipped on his threadbare Sub Pop tee shirt and hunkered down to watch Goonies and have a Skype happy hour with His best girlfriends after the Son went to bed (who is still living in the basement, BTW), and He waited for the inevitable Reddit posts about how the Holy Ghost or the Son would have done a better job at making this Creation shit happen because you know, "we're digital natives and makers and Woodstock ruled and fuck the man" and all that shit and blah blah blah...Until the Ambien kicked in.